Watch Me Touch The Sky.
And these rules, these boundaries, these social compliances that are suffocating me.
Yet, i’ll try breaking through it all.
But, it doesn’t it doesn’t work like this.
Each day, im becoming more confined, more restricted, more..inexpressive because in order to say A i need B, for B to materialize i need C, and i cant put in D without an academic reference.
I’d rather just be robotic. I want to venture, venture out of these rules.
Set me free, will you
May time tick by slowly, as I dread my days of growing older,
I am not looking forward to living everyday so I could get a pay check to pay my bills.
May it tick by real slow, may I learn to embrace and appreciate each and every minute of this life,
As my kiasu-ness starts crawling in because life is becoming more and more competitive…and i can feel it coming..
Couple of weeks ago, a good friend of mine wanted me to come along for moral support as he was called for a casting shoot ( for TV commercials etc). As much as I wanted to support my friend, I was reluctant because I knew this day would come and I might not be able to handle it.
So we went, and one of the producers spotted me and wanted me to cast as well. Why not, right? I went along with it, gave the photographer a few smiles and some acts and then, off we go with a heart full of hope.
Deep down, these scenarios were playing in my head thinking : what if ONLY one of us got it and the other left with nothing, and, what if the one who is left with nothing turns out to be Me.
They say, its all about positive thinking. If you want something, breathe it, live it, call it, pray it, and think good of it. I guess, I jinx-ed it. True enough, my thoughts came true, unfortunately. I was disappointed, most importantly, I felt rejected.
Was i just not beautiful enough? Did i not fit the bill? Obviously.
Few days past, many other similar but less impactful rejections came along, but quietly I learnt how to deal with rejections, in its many forms, and turn them into motivation. I told myself that I cannot let these little chances define who I am and what beauty is, and my worth.
As soon as I felt better, I got a call from this casting company and was informed that I was chosen to be a talent for this advertisement.
Hmmm..I thought, God must have his reasons. I was happy and satisfied for a moment.
But it didn’t last very long, I got a call today, and I was replaced.
Sitting here, I have no one to blame but God. I feel like a ball being bounced on the ground, for a minute I was here, and the other I am up again. I had a taste of it but then its all taken away in that split second. I can’t figure this out.
All i know is that this can’t be it. I can’t let anything take away my confidence, my self worth, because it is the only thing I’ve got for myself. And the same goes to you.
If being strong is the only choice you’ve got, then be strong. If building up a thick face is what you need to protect that confidence, then build it. And that one day, when you have achieved it, no other feeling can replace that respect you have for yourself.
You are beautiful. You tell yourself you’re beautiful, why let the box and edited magazines tell you what you are. What matters is what’s inside. What matters is how you treat yourself and how you treat others.
The truth is.
The truth is, everyday we are putting on layers after layers on ourselves to make us feel good, to make me feel that i am someone, something, worthy, valuable and useful in this huge huge world.
The truth is that car and that bungalow is going to boost my status, the truth is that trophy boyfriend of mine is going to make them see i’m someone, the truth is my hot bitches are going to make me feel like im beautiful too, the truth is my successful brother is going to make me a proud sister, the truth is that handbag is going to make me look expensive, the truth is those skincare is going to make me a natural beauty.
The truth is everyday, everyday, we are trying and trying and trying to do things to make ourselves look better, to prove to me that i am okay because i have these things, or these people.
Nobody needs to know that I am at least something, but I need to. I need to prove it to myself, I need to comfort myself, I need to live a day by being able to tell myself that I am something, someone.
And without that, all that, i am nothing, nobody. I am naked.
Ever feel like you look better in anything but wearing nudity?
I wonder, was Adam and Eve feeling that way too, or did that apple cast an evil spell on the human race.
Or, could it be, that all our lives, we just live to be recognised.
We all just want to be somebody, don’t we?
” In a ship that is constantly giving, one can’t help but to sometimes feel the need to jump off and break-free. “
